SO.... Alex is a loser.. Done, finito, ended.... he decided that it wasn't important to get into contact with me... so fuck him... he hates me... I'm a crazy bitch apparently... Oh well, i already knew that..
Haven't been with anyone since.... well technically.. I've decided that I'm done 'dating'... No boyfriends... well, Amber may be an acception, but we'll see... i'm getting ahead of myself..
So Alex and I broke up... I started talking to someone else... We'll just call him Eisey... well, it was fun... then he got attached, then i got bored... I guess that's just how it goes with me... I'm never satisfied no matter what I get... eck whatever... he's still around... not sure that i want him to be though... i mean i really liked him alot for about 3 weeks or so... eh... so yeah... anyways, i'm back in eldersburg now...
and i met someone... well everyone else already knew this someone, but it's the first time i've actually met him personally... we'll call him jack... so jack and i started talking just as friends, and then things escalated... to the point that i was getting a little protective over him.. that's never good... and things have been great i'm extremely attracted to him, but it's just lust... because he looks like johnny depp omg so sexy... regardless, the other night we went to a party and some girl i've never met before sees him and automatically latches to his side.. wearing his hoodie and basically leeching off of him... it was at about that time that i said fuck this, and asked drew to take me back to my mom's house... of course, she offers to come, and jack comes as well... and i sit in shotgun while they sit in the back seat cuddling and giggling to eachother... and he has the nerve to get out and hug me when i leave... ugh whatever... i haven't really talked to him much since... that was 2 days ago... i haven't kissed him, barely hugged him, hardly even acknowledged his existance... i decided that it's bad that i'm getting jealous... i didn't come here to start a relationship with someone, i came here to get away and breathe... so it's for the best that we stop hanging out in such a manner... but then come more issues... my ex boyfriend, who also happens to be my best friend, seems to want to spark up a relationship again... he kissed me last night while we were sitting in the car in the dark listening to my ipod cuz he broke his stereo... right... regardless... he kissed me... well first he just starting doing stupid things like biting my jacket or nibbling on my hand or something, then he just grabs my face and kisses me... i didn't necessarily reject him... and then he texts me and tells me he loves me and all this other stuff and then he stops by my mom's house at like 11 at night... and yeah... he drags me into the car, kisses me, holds my hand and all that cliche shit... and i dunno what to even do about it at all... i mean... i'm leaving... i'm only here for a limited amount of time... just to get rid of some stress... i have to go back to grantsville soon to pack my stuff... oh yeah, i'm moving in with my ex girlfriend, amber... i dunno how it's gonna work out yet... maybe we'll get back together, maybe we'll hate eachother... i don't really know... i'm moving in with her because she is the only person who will allow me to move in with her and bring my puppy Rezzie... who by the way is my life... i love that dog and i will not give her up for anything;... anyways, yeah i've gotta go back to granstville and pack my stuff so i can move back to hagerstown... i dunno what my ex boyfriend expects to get out of this... i'm just really confused right now... i wanna come back to eldersburg and live, but i dunno... i miss it alot when i'm gone but i've been here for a little over a week now... and i'm bored again... i guess that goes along with the never being satisfied thing... whatever... i dunno what else to do.. i guess i'll just move in with amber, find a job, get the ball rolling and see how it goes... any advice?

Cha Cha Chillin at the house watching some Coraline and eating a fuckton of candy. getting fat is fun, until you notice it and then need to get rid of all that candy that went right to your thighs lmao. whatever. i have no right to bitch about being overweight if i don't help myself.
Got a new tattoo.. I'll put the pics up soon. I got a heart on my chest. and i also got my lip pierced.
got a boyfriend. we've been together for a little over a month now. i love him. he's awesome.
his name is alex and fuck you if you have a problem with it.
him and i found this fucking awesome abandoned sand mine. it was so sweet i'll be putting pics of that up soon as well..
well other than that, i don't have much to post about..
so yup.
peace.

Shitty night to say the least.
So sick of little fucking kids.
I NEED A GOOD MAN (or woman).
Fuck all this I'm so done searching for my someone.
I thought I had him. And I couldn't have been happier.
But of course, I had to fuck that up just like I do everything else.
I don't know what the hell to do
This fucking sucks my life sucks.
I miss my family and my friends.
I miss my weed. UUUUUUGHH Someone help me out of this fucking pit of depression.
FFFFUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKK.
((((
I don't know what to do I need someone to grab my hand and pull me out of this mess.
I wanna go home...
I want my mom...
Help me...
please?...

Ello ello.
This post is for you, Ricky.
Since i never post anymore..
I'M LIVING WITH JENNY.
finally. i'll keep my little defiant ass out of trouble.
(hopefully)
i can't wait to see meagan, cody, katy, everyone. it's been so many years.
it hurts to be away from home. i miss my family. my friends.
i'm so glad that my soulmate is here with me. i dunno what i'm gonna do when he goes back home.
i hope i don't break down...
shit, gotta take my meds..



sometimes i feel like all i have is my Juggalo Family.
but even then, i feel alone.
like i have no one but myself.
no one to talk to, tell them what's going on in my head.
i dunno what to do wonder if i really want to be dead.
a pole, a noose, maybe a knife, a bottle.
so many escapes from reality, yet i'm too weak to escape.
maybe it's the fear, do i really want to leave?
do i want to leave all this behind?
everything that i have worked towards is shit
somehow it all falls through as soon as i think i'm making it.
life is too complicated, death is so unknown.
it's like i'm stuck in the middle with no advice.
every move i make will be my own mistake.
fuck it

i don't even know what to do with myself anymore.
i'm falling deeper in this pit of fears.


i'm done writing, i disgust myself.

So I haven't updated in a long time. I've been neglecting you, my dear deviantart. I apologize.
Anyway. Since my last post a few things have happened:
-got put on probation for 60 days (supposedly). my paroll officer was supposed to come to my house one day to check up on me because the last time he had talked to me was after i failed my first piss test. he had a time and schedule and everything and never showed. i never heard from him since that so i guess my case got dropped or something. whatever.
-i'm working. dunno if i already said it. i work at mcdonalds as a crew trainer. eck. i hate it and i'm trying to quit as soon as possible. but i gotta find somewhere in walking distance since my car is stilled fucked up. that's why it's so hard for me to find somewhere else to work.
-as previously stated, my car is still broken.
-my new best friend is dustin. i love him. he's the best person ever. i think every girl should have a gay best friend.
-i've no boyfriend. i dated chucky for about 2 months or so. it was okay and then gay and then annoying and then it ended. and we restarted and broke up after two days. needless to say, it wasn't the best of relationships.
-i'm in love with this kid chris. i can't do anything about it because he has a pregnant girlfriend. (( I am in love with him. and it blows hardcore. i mean we've been messing around for a while now and it just keeps my hopes up for a possible future relationship with him. i don't think it'll ever happen though. ..
-i got a tattoo!!! well, a professional one. it's a really wicked peace sign on the nape of my neck. i love it love it love it. and the tattooist was soooo hott. his name is loach and i want him.
-i decided that i'm not dating anyone until i find my prince charming with tattoos and piercings. that's who i need. and he needs to smoke pot (obviously) . no more geeky, dorky, skinny lanky stupid boys for me. or i'll get with a really hot girl.
-i've been having this thing with my friend natalie. she's really cute and sweet and she looks beautiful naked. maybe she'll let me photograph her.
-i got kicked out of my house because i'm supposedly a drug addict. so i was on the streets or staying wherever i could for the night. i did that for about a month and it was very very gay.


that's not everything that i have to update, but i'm getting bored with this entry. i'll probably post more sometime.